Aloha, Rose ~~~
Even more so than usual, my life is in a state of upheaval right now, and I just don't know what to do. My teaching contract was not renewed for next year, so as of the end of this month, I'm officially unemployed. I'd only planned to teach here for a year anyway, but this kind of forces the issue. My original plan has always been to return to Oregon, since that's what feels like "home" to me. However, my heart tells me to return to Virginia, since that's where Taylor is.
Or, rather, I know that Taylor isn't really "there," but it's the place he considered home, and it's where he finally found peace. And it feels important for me to be there, but I recognize that much of that feeling comes from a not-emotionally-healthy-right-now part of me.
I've been applying for teaching jobs in Virginia, but without success so, thinking that perhaps the Universe is trying to tell me something, I've now started applying for jobs in Oregon as well. It's early in the process, but I haven't yet heard anything from that direction, either.
At this point, I just don't know what to do -- Oregon? Virginia? Be near Taylor, or just keep him in my heart from afar? He always felt I abandoned him (and, basically, he was right). I don't want to do that again and, honestly, I don't think I can handle any more guilt.
I feel so lost (and, yes, I'm still grieving big time).
Any thoughts?
P&L --
Kaye
1 comment:
Aloha Kaye (((HUG)))
I don't know if you are financially able to take some time off and stay still. Apply for unemployment insurace, you will get it and it's a cushion. Taylor is without his body so now more than ever he is everywhere. He is as close to you as your next breath, never far. Where you are happiest is where you need to be. It's almost impossible to make an important rational decision in the first year of grieving. Sometimes though, we are drawn to move, almost with an urgency. If you are not feeling an urgency stay still for a couple of months if financially possible.
My intuition tells me Oregon since it feels like "home" to you. It is important that you work through your grief and your guilt, that's more important than where you live right now. If you are not in grief counseling please get some.
Retrospectively we all could have been better mothers, and to carry the guilt and hair whip is a waste of the precious precious now. Now that we are more aware lets make the most out of what is, instead of what was. You are a wonderful imperfect human being. How's the cats? Billy's getting old and limps like his mama.
If you need to talk on the phone I'm pretty open right now.
P&L and a head butt
Rose
My vote is Oregon.
rkopp001@hawaii.rr.com
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